Regression

I know that I'm doing my best to change my ways, for the better. I think since then, I've been more responsible and more punctual with my duties. I've been honest to others and to myself. I've become less lazy (or rather, I've been more active to work).
I also know that there are still things I need to work on. At times, I've forgotten to watch my words and my actions (specifically, my tone and manner of speaking). I've also continued to hurl jokes or puns that are borderline offensive. And on some occasions, I've let my pride override my sense of respect. Even though I don't mean to do most of these things, I know that I've been engrossed in doing them.

I'm in a bind. I really don't want to admit this, until now: I'm unhappy. I'm in distress. And slowly, I'm losing my hope.

As much as I'm pushing myself....as much as I'm distracting myself with work, I keep on falling back. It's like my mind is running on all cyclinders, but my rusted heart is leaking all my energy out. I'm unfocused and unproductive.

I miss my friends, but I couldn't approach them properly out of embarrassment I couldn't find myself to talk to them. But I think it's just as it should be. I don't want to bother them because they're just as busy as I am. And more importantly, I don't want to burden them anymore. I've caused them way too much trouble. They would know how  much of a douche I am, especially in desperation.

I couldn't escape. I don't want to. But it's getting harder and harder for me to handle all of this. I am unhappy. But I guess, this is just karma biting me back.