I couldn't

One statement has been said in front me countless times, already. And this time-- the last time, it might have hit home really bad.

I'm always losing my focus, lately. The very things I do to forget about it are interrupted by this sudden resonance of that very statement. I know that they're not just a set of words, but a reflection of the sheer reality that I've resisted myself from believing, for the longest time. And now, it's haunting me. It's been ringing through my head as if it coerces me to face it. I have to face the truth.

This particular truth cuts deep into my brittle soul, but this truth, as with others, must be accepted. I had questioned and tested this truth for months now, and it had always produced that same statement. I couldn't afford any more questioning, because it's taking a toll on me, both physically and emotionally.

It was the truth, all along, and I have been the wildcard who, unfortunately, ruined his chances. And now, I am being showed the way it should've been, and I'm getting none of it. Frankly, I don't like making blog posts anymore. I prefer talking to people and typing lines of code, but no programming language can articulately express these particular thoughts, and I don't want to bother my friends even if they bothered to spare some time.

Your determination kills me. While I'm happy to know that you really want to push things through and move forward, I know that things will be different from what it was, despite your persistence that it won't. You see, it is just not possible to attain both, and I'd rather not have you stuck with this hellhole. It will hurt, either way.

With a heavy heart, I have to accept the truth. I need to. Otherwise, it would be unfair to you. If this is the consequence arising from the things I did before, then I wish I can atone for them by accepting this. I know that I couldn't support anything other than your determination.

I am very hurt. You can go claim that you already know the things that are coming out of my repetitive thoughts, but you have no idea how much this hurts inside. It hurts to hear that I'm only sticking because of a particular reason, but no, I'm not! ... [redacted] ...

This is miserable. I feel miserable. I miss you, and I love you. But I guess, it's just too late.