Clots

All of this, for nothing.

Even up to this point, I refuse to regret the things that had happened. Because not all of them are that bad. But at this point, it's starting to get so ridiculous. The anxiety and the pain is just so overwhelming, and your circumstances just made it worse.

Of course, what could I do? I can only do so much. For this to work, there much be action on both sides. But I guess the only action I can expect from you is to go crazily happy with--

...yeah. And because it's good for you, it's natural to argue with me to death. Sometimes, it's quite literal. And probably if you read this, you'll refute every single line of this post, just so you can reason yourself out. You'd rather go irrational, and when you do realize it, the damage has already been done.

You might not believe me, but now I do have an idea about this entire thing of yours. I don't always assume, all the time. And really, it's becoming quite crazy. But yeah, your happiness, not mine.

Honestly, It could have been natural for me to feel happy about where you're going. The thing is, it's being done at my expense. You might just simply brush it off because it's mushy, but it really does. You always do that. And now that your biases are starting to become more apparent, it'll only get worse.

The reason this is very hard for me is because you had me locked in a emotional chain. And combined with my sensitivities, I'm being tied more tightly as you go more forward (to /that/ direction). Even if you don't do it intentionally, it repeatedly gets rubbed onto my face-- that the /now/ is simply the happier choice, and that I sucked. I especially feel very sad and bitter and all when you go all determined and more willing to accept new things, whereas before, you're just plain stubborn with me. Why is that? Am I that not worth it? Am I just that different for you? Even despite the bad stuff, I've tried my best to serve you well and to make you happy, so why?

This, and the frustration that all attempts to remedy this will eventually end up in a screamfest or just a show-off of biases, pushed me to my ultimate limit. That is why instead of being able to enjoy myself, I'm here, writing this piece of shit entry. The things I'm going through right now was due to all of this. All the therapies I'm going through. All the medications I'm taking. All the memories that I've suddenly lost (and those were the good ones too, I think). It's so painful, and it's way too much at this point. I guess I'm just a footnote to your colorful story, and I guess I was never meant to be, unfortunately.

So I don't know. I hope you'll be happier with your new path (and yeah, that seems to be the case). This is just to remind you that the person you once considered to be dear to you is still here...now a big pile of emotional mess.